Wellbutrin

I saw my gp for about 5 minutes. He put me on Wellbutrin xl with my current med. He asked me about 5 questions depression related and that was it. I didn't offer up anything else, I just wanted to get out of there.

GP Tomorrow

I see my gp tomorrow and I'm very nervous. I HATE talking about the way I feel, but I know it is very important. I kinda doubt I will say much because of my anxiety. He needs to ask me the right questions and I will answer. My brain usually shuts down if I'm supposed to just say how I feel. I think my meds will be upped to 20mg or add another med on top of the cipralex. Cipralex is not working for me and if he just wants me to up it then I probably will be SOL. I'll see how it goes tomorrow.

More Waiting

I have been dealing with a lot lately. My mom is super moody and quick to anger lately. She threatens to kick me out all the time for the dumbest reasons. It's been better today though. I found out why it is taking so freaking long for me to see a psychiatrist...my doctor never signed the referral that my social worker sent and no one told my social worker that. She resent it to him and after he signs it, then it will be about a 2 month wait. I'm so sick of waiting...I have been waiting almost half a year. I have been SI a lot lately. I hate my antidepressant and I know there is something else besides depression and anxiety going on. I don't know what it is, but hopefully a psychiatrist can tell me.

Waiting is Making Me Go Mad

So I`m still waiting to see a psychiatrist...lucky me. I guess I`m not crazy enough to need to been seen right away. I think I have been waiting over 4 months to be seen. I am trying so hard to wait because I really don`t want to see my gp. I need a med change or something. My meds I don`t think have ever worked. My moods are all over the place lately. I want to get down to the bottom of what I have. I`m also scared of what I could have.

My one best friend has been in the psychiatric hospital for over 3 or 4 weeks now. They are still assessing what she has and then they might send her to the psychosis unit or discharge her. She will then live with her mom while she is waiting for a spot in a group home to open up. I feel so bad that she is going through that. My illness is different than hers and less severe in certain aspects, but I can still understand and feel the emotions that she is going through.

I`ve been doing a course by correspondence and it`s been taking me forever to get through it and I probably won't get in done for a couple months (I have a really hard time learning from a book and teaching myself). My mom keeps holding it over my head. "Go do your biology!" "You're never going to finish it." "What's the point?"

I also am getting some in car lessons so that I can get my driver's license (panic attack lol). She will not let me practise with her at all. I tried 2 times driving with her and she yelled the whole time. My mom is so controlling and it has been horrendous trying to learn to drive. I will finally be getting some control back (not that she will let me drive her car and I cannot afford a vehicle, but still I will have my license).

I've been neglecting my blog, but not a whole lot has changed...I'm not receiving any more mental health care and I haven't got an official diagnosis nor have I had a med change. I don't have a job as I am not stable enough and my family thinks there is nothing wrong with me #stigma

Mundane

My life has been pretty boring lately, which is good I guess. I've been doing some upgrading courses so I can go back to college. Also still waiting to see a psychiatrist...what a lovely health care system we have. Not much else is worth talking about.

Life Changes

I'm doing much better, I still have my downs, but this I have found is normal for everyone. I have really had to change my mindset. I never really understood how everyone feels and what they go through. I was very sheltered my whole life and my family never talked about feelings so I have been having to learn in my adult life that most things I think and go through are what everyone goes through at some point in their life. It's sad that I have to learn this lesson at my age, but I am glad that I am learning it, even though it is so hard.

I cleaned most of my room and closet today (which has been neglected for a year...well the organizing part...it wasn't dirty). I also have signed up for a driver's education course next month because I need to learn. It has been 2 years since I got my beginners (G1) and no one will teach me. I have to fork out a lot of money for it, but at least I will be able to get my G2. For the in car part they will come pick me up for my lessons, which is great because I will not have to rely on a family member to drive me to the lessons. I did take driver's education last year, but I could no longer get a ride to my lessons and then my lessons expired so I was fucked. Oh well I am doing it now and I am going to get my license! I might go do my actual G2 test in the fall.

Another life change was that I will be able to be a firefighter after all. I talked with a former recruiter and current firefighter and he said I cannot be discriminated based on having depression. A doctor will have to do a medical check anyways when I apply to a department and if I am stable then I would pass. (Side note: I found out I am NOT bipolar, not that it is bad, but I am thankful) I am so happy that I can have the job that I have always wanted. I was having trouble because I thought I would automatically be disqualified and that is the only thing that I had passion to be.

I'm working on getting back into shape and losing weight. I gained 40 pounds because I was depressed (so embarrassed and disgusted but I'm telling you everything). I'm working on correspondence courses so I can apply for the pre-health program next September. Then after that take the pre-service firefighter program and then possibly take the paramedic program. I figure if I do it that way I can work as a paramedic and gain those skills before I apply for a fire department because typically they will not hire you for at least 4 years. I would also be making some pretty good money (paying off student debt), and also gaining experience in the emergency field. Firefighters can also do a lot of medical calls too, so it would be very beneficial. If I have to be a paramedic for 10 years, I think I could handle that too, but ultimately my goal is to be a firefighter.

I need to get a part time job, but I tried that last November and I quit after 2 days (it was retail). I need to work on holding a job. I need to gain some skills by talking to my therapist. I need to be able to stick with something even if I absolutely hate it and want to quit. I just wasn't prepared to work with customers...angry customers who yelled at me even though it was not my fault at all. I am just a very sensitive person.

Anyways, I will leave it here.

So I Did it

I finally asked to be referred to see a psychiatrist. I thought I would feel relieved, but I just feel extremely anxious. It's going to take a while for me to be seen, but I'm okay with that because I'm not in a really bad place.

I find I have a really hard time expressing how I feel and talk too much about things I'm not really worried about and then at the last minute say the things that I want to talk about. Maybe I do that because I know that I can leave minutes after I say it...I don't know. So I told my therapist that I don't think my medication is working and she asked me why I thought so and what symptoms have I noticed. She told me that the psychiatrist would probably not up my dose and focus more on the therapy aspect and tell me what to work on in my therapy sessions. I didn't explain the hypomania/mania type symptoms that I have had before. I feel like I can't tell them to anyone.

I am so embarrassed and I really don't know how/don't want to explain myself. I need the psychiatrist to outright ask me specific questions and try to diagnose me. On some level I still deny that there is anything wrong with me. I don't think my therapist sees that there is anything wrong with me because I don't show her that side of me, I show her my happy go lucky side that has a little anxiety. I can hold it together for 1 hour every 2/3 weeks. Meanwhile I have a lot of anxiety and probably some type of mood disorder. I really like my therapist; I just don't like talking about myself and my feelings.

I hope I can be honest when I see the psychiatrist, I'm really worried that they will see nothing wrong and just say that I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe I don't have a mood disorder, maybe there is nothing wrong, maybe I'm in denial, maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong; I just don't know. I need an objective opinion and I need an evaluation. I'm scared that I'm fucked up and I'm also scared because maybe I'm just imaging that there is something wrong when there actually is nothing wrong. I' just a bindle of nerves right now and I don't know what to do with myself. I see my therapist in 3 weeks.

P.S. The last post I wrote I was just really pissed off and needed to vent about my mom. I DO love her, but sometimes I just can't stand her. I think everyone at least sometimes feel that way.