First Therapy Sesh

So I went to the appointment and I was so freaking nervous. I started shaking and bouncing my leg up and down while I was waiting. I met my social worker (she will be counciling me and helping me get support, see a psychiatrist if I want it). She is really nice and it was easy to talk to her. We are going to work on my anxiety. We talked about what I want to do with my life and we talked about goals that I would like to achieve. I will have small, medium, and large goals. My small goal is to be able to talk on the phone without being so anxious and not making my mom call places for me. I am supposed to think about a medium goal for my next apointment. I will be going every other week.

Now to talk about the psychiatrist...well I looked him up online and lets just say the reviews were not good. I also found out that my mom used to work with him and no one was fond of him and that he wanted to just push meds on people so he could get more money. I haven't seen him and my mom doesn't want to me to see him. I think there is another psychiatrist and I think he would be okay. The guy I don't want to see is the head and is in charge so I don't know what to do. (I have no insurance and I am getting all this free through a local hospital). I can't go see a private psychiatrist because I can't afford it.

On a side note I am learning to crochet...not too good I might add.

Volunteering and Anxiety

I will be seeing a social worker on this coming monday. It is with a female this time. The apointment will be for 50 minutes. My first time there I was seen by a social worker who was male and I only saw him for about 15 minutes. I couldn't sit still while he was asking me questions and was having a really hard time concentrating. I hope this time is easier for me. I'm not one who likes to be asked questions about myself and have a hard time expanding my answers.

I'm not quite sure what is going to happen during this apointment. Are social workers allowed to diagnose? I hope this expirence is easy to handle. I'm scared and nervous because I do not know what to expect.

I am in the process of starting to volunteer at a local hospital. I have an apointment to meet with the coordinator on this coming wednesday. I was kind of forced into doing volunteering by my mother. She says I need to do something like that or go back to school. I am so not ready to be interating with people or going to school. My doctor even said I should not go back to school for at least 6 months to a year. I also have severe social anxiety, so this is terrifying. I am bringing my mom to the apointment to the hospital because I wouldn't go otherwise.

To some people I may sound like a baby because I need my "mommy" to go with me. My anxiety is so bad that I cannot go out in public by myself.

I have a volunteer orientation on feburary 11th. I am going to be riddled with anxiety that day as well.

I  just feel like a big failure lately. I just want to curl up in a ball and die. I also feel like I have no future. I don't want to do this anymore,

Don't Have to go Back to the Doctor Until Next Spring!?

I saw my doctor today and basically was given a prescription for cipralex for a year and I don't have to see him until next spring and then we will talk about going off of cipralex. I also told him that my anxiety is really bad. He doesn't want to give me anything like a benzo because they are so addictive and short term. I still feel like shit. I have an appointment to see a social worker for next week. We'll see how that goes. Hopefully I can also see a psychiatrist and work on if it really is just depression. My family doctor believes it is severe depression.

Well there is not much to do at this point. I will be running out of the samples of cipralex and will have to fill a prescription. I have no insurance so I will get to see how much money I will have to fork out.

Tired

I've been on cipralex for a little over 9 weeks now. I feel like it is not helping at all. I finally got a call about recieving therapy and I will also be able to see a psychiatrist. I hope I will get to the bottom of what I have. Do I have a different disorder or is it just depression and anxiety? I've been told by a friend that it could take years before I actually find out what I have and that scares me. I'm just so tired of being mentally ill. It drains everything out of my body, I can't think or do anything.

I didn't cut for a month, but started again a few days ago. I just am having a hard time coping. My mom says the medicine is working, but I don't think it is. I see my gp on this friday, I should get my blood test results and discuss my medication.

Day 1 of 15 mg

I saw my doctor and he upped my dose to 15 mg. I have to meet with him in another month. He said that the next step would be 20 mg and if I still am not better then he will add another antidepressant. He ordered a blood test to rule out any other causes that are making me feel like this. I told him I didn't feel any worse, but that was a lie...I started cutting myself, not deep or in plain view. Nobody knows and I want to keep it that way.

My jaw hurts and I'm really tired...I think it's because I upped my dose. I hate life right now and see no future for myself. I see no career, husband, kids, happiness, own house, or vacations in my future because I am a loser and I have no desire to do anything. I'm laying in bed and I don't even want to get out of bed to go to the bathroom, but I will force myself to get up and go.

Life is definitely a bitch.

Doctor's Tomorrow

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow. It's so he can see how the medication is working for me. Well it's not working for me...I don't feel any better. I don't know how antidepressants are supposed to make you feel, but I hope this stuff starts to work because if I have to up the dose or switch meds then I get to experience more side effects...yay. I am feeling really anxious and nervous about tomorrow. I don't know what to expect, I don't like having to wait, and I don't like going to a doctor's office. I'll write an update tomorrow.

Day 23

23 days on cipralex....and I don't feel any different at all. I feel really horrible the past couple days and having problems with SI. I don't really have much to write. My mom says that she can see that
my medicine is starting to work...I am just hiding it better.  

My anxiety is horrible and I'm still very depressed.
This is so freaking stupid!