So Close

I was so fucking close to telling my therapist that I want to see a psychiatrist...it was almost at the end of the session and she was writing down the time for my next appointment, my face started to get red and hot as I was about to ask her, then I stopped because she was talking about the career I want to go into and then I regained my composure and the session was done. I feel like such a fucking loser that I can't get out the stupid 6 words "I need to see a psychiatrist". I don't know why I feel so embarrassed and ashamed to need to see one.

I think I put on a front when I go to see her, I know she will not judge me and she is very supportive, but I just can't fucking do it. It seems that, that is all I write about. Right now my moods are not extreme, which is very good, but now since I am thinking lucidly it would be a good time to get help.

I've been talking to one of my best friend's and she also has a mental illness, she is a very good friend. I have told her almost everything that I have been through (mental illness wise). It was hard for me because I have never told anyone those intense things that I have been going through. She thinks I have more than just depression and anxiety and that it is important that I see a psychiatrist. She suggested that I write down what is concerning me and give it to my therapist. I did write down everything and I brought it with me to the appointment, but I just couldn't do it...I fail at everything I do.

I think the reason why it is so hard for me to get help is because I want to deny that there is anything wrong and if I don't admit it, then there is nothing wrong and I am just imagining it. When I feel kind of normal then it is so hard to understand how awful it was to be depressed or otherwise because I so easily forget. I need to say those 6 words or just hand over the piece of paper to my therapist. I'm worried that if and when I see a psychiatrist that they will diagnose me with something that is totally not what I have or put me on tons of meds with lots of side affects. I'm worried what my mom will say as she thinks there is nothing wrong with me (news flash I hide a lot of what is going on with me and I was away at college for 2 years and I had a lot of my "crazy symptoms" while I was there. I am also worried that the psychiatrist will think I am faking it or say that I have absolutely nothing wrong with me.

I'm not denying that I do have depression and anxiety, but I think they are symptoms of another disorder. Meh, I'm not a doctor, but I know this cannot be "normal". Why does mental illness have to be this way? Why do I have to feel so ashamed to even get proper help? Why do I keep all the crap that is going on to myself? I would rather have an illness you can see than an invisible illness. When someone is ill with cancer, people bring casseroles,  get well cards, get involved with their treatment, take them to appointments, visit them regularly, show them that they will be there throughout the whole process...and what do people with mental illness get? "It's all in your head, just get over it, what is WRONG with you? You are fucking crazy! You just want attention! You are being so lazy. Buck up!" Rant over.

This is enough writing for now...hope I didn't bore anyone...not that there is many people that read my blog...oh well I feel better for getting all this out. My next therapy appointment is July 10th so hopefully I will say that I said those 6 words that never want to come out....if I do then there will some good posts to follow and if I don't then I probably won't feel like posting that I failed at it again.

I Haven't Posted In a While...

I haven't posted in a while...not much has been happening in my life. I have been volunteering at the hospital in the ER once a week for 4 hours and I am really starting to not like it. Today a nurse was a total bitch to me. She scolded me for something I didn't even do; I was so shocked that I didn't say anything and then I left that area. I was really upset...I have horrible anxiety as is. I hardly sleep the night before I go to the hospital and sometimes my stomach is upset as well. I think I might switch areas in the hospital because I do not like being in the ER and all I do is basically clean...so not what I thought it would be. I don't want to quit volunteering because it would just reinforce my anxiety plus my mom said she would kick me out.

I haven't seen my therapist for over a month because she was sick the day I was supposed to go in and then she went on vacation. I really need to talk to her and I want to set up an appointment to see a psychiatrist. My moods have been awful and I don't think my medication is working at all (actually I don't think it has ever worked). I'm still on 15mg of cipralex. On the plus side I don't have any side affects (except when I started it).

My mom has commented in the past that she thinks I could possibly have aspergers and my friend thinks I could be bipolar. I know I have something other than depression and anxiety...only a psychiatrist can tell me that. My friend said that I need to see a psychiatrist and get this straightened out and get the right treatment. She has just been diagnosed a while ago with bipolar type 2. I have similar symptoms as her (not exactly the same). One major difference is that I get very paranoid when "manic" (right now I'm assuming that I was manic since I have no diagnosis). I am definitely not schizophrenic...this I am very sure of.

Grr I just want to be normal and have a perfect life. I'm sick of being this way. My anxiety stands in front of everything I do. My family think I can just get over it; they just don't understand how awful it is.

Sorry for being so pessimistic but that's how I feel today.

Groundhog Day

I feel like I am in the movie Groundhog Day. Everyday I pretty much do the same thing...which is nothing. I need to move on with my life. I've gained 15 pounds from freaking depression and I feel so disgusting. I started my self study course and I haven't really been doing any of the work. I'm not able to keep to a routine and my nights and days are mixed up. I'm really hating myself right now.

Tomorrow I go for counselling, this is my 3rd time going. She is really nice, but I don't like talking about myself so I usually talk about random things and I feel like I am not getting anywhere. I wonder what she will want me to talk about.

I start volunteering at the hospital on the 3rd of April at 8am. I usually fall asleep at 5am and get up at 11am so I am hopefully not going to be a zombie on my first day or extremely grumpy. I will have to get up at 6:30am in order to be there on time :(

Anyways I am off to make supper.

First Therapy Sesh

So I went to the appointment and I was so freaking nervous. I started shaking and bouncing my leg up and down while I was waiting. I met my social worker (she will be counciling me and helping me get support, see a psychiatrist if I want it). She is really nice and it was easy to talk to her. We are going to work on my anxiety. We talked about what I want to do with my life and we talked about goals that I would like to achieve. I will have small, medium, and large goals. My small goal is to be able to talk on the phone without being so anxious and not making my mom call places for me. I am supposed to think about a medium goal for my next apointment. I will be going every other week.

Now to talk about the psychiatrist...well I looked him up online and lets just say the reviews were not good. I also found out that my mom used to work with him and no one was fond of him and that he wanted to just push meds on people so he could get more money. I haven't seen him and my mom doesn't want to me to see him. I think there is another psychiatrist and I think he would be okay. The guy I don't want to see is the head and is in charge so I don't know what to do. (I have no insurance and I am getting all this free through a local hospital). I can't go see a private psychiatrist because I can't afford it.

On a side note I am learning to crochet...not too good I might add.

Volunteering and Anxiety

I will be seeing a social worker on this coming monday. It is with a female this time. The apointment will be for 50 minutes. My first time there I was seen by a social worker who was male and I only saw him for about 15 minutes. I couldn't sit still while he was asking me questions and was having a really hard time concentrating. I hope this time is easier for me. I'm not one who likes to be asked questions about myself and have a hard time expanding my answers.

I'm not quite sure what is going to happen during this apointment. Are social workers allowed to diagnose? I hope this expirence is easy to handle. I'm scared and nervous because I do not know what to expect.

I am in the process of starting to volunteer at a local hospital. I have an apointment to meet with the coordinator on this coming wednesday. I was kind of forced into doing volunteering by my mother. She says I need to do something like that or go back to school. I am so not ready to be interating with people or going to school. My doctor even said I should not go back to school for at least 6 months to a year. I also have severe social anxiety, so this is terrifying. I am bringing my mom to the apointment to the hospital because I wouldn't go otherwise.

To some people I may sound like a baby because I need my "mommy" to go with me. My anxiety is so bad that I cannot go out in public by myself.

I have a volunteer orientation on feburary 11th. I am going to be riddled with anxiety that day as well.

I  just feel like a big failure lately. I just want to curl up in a ball and die. I also feel like I have no future. I don't want to do this anymore,

Don't Have to go Back to the Doctor Until Next Spring!?

I saw my doctor today and basically was given a prescription for cipralex for a year and I don't have to see him until next spring and then we will talk about going off of cipralex. I also told him that my anxiety is really bad. He doesn't want to give me anything like a benzo because they are so addictive and short term. I still feel like shit. I have an appointment to see a social worker for next week. We'll see how that goes. Hopefully I can also see a psychiatrist and work on if it really is just depression. My family doctor believes it is severe depression.

Well there is not much to do at this point. I will be running out of the samples of cipralex and will have to fill a prescription. I have no insurance so I will get to see how much money I will have to fork out.

Tired

I've been on cipralex for a little over 9 weeks now. I feel like it is not helping at all. I finally got a call about recieving therapy and I will also be able to see a psychiatrist. I hope I will get to the bottom of what I have. Do I have a different disorder or is it just depression and anxiety? I've been told by a friend that it could take years before I actually find out what I have and that scares me. I'm just so tired of being mentally ill. It drains everything out of my body, I can't think or do anything.

I didn't cut for a month, but started again a few days ago. I just am having a hard time coping. My mom says the medicine is working, but I don't think it is. I see my gp on this friday, I should get my blood test results and discuss my medication.