Tuesday, 14 May 2013

I Haven't Posted In a While...

I haven't posted in a while...not much has been happening in my life. I have been volunteering at the hospital in the ER once a week for 4 hours and I am really starting to not like it. Today a nurse was a total bitch to me. She scolded me for something I didn't even do; I was so shocked that I didn't say anything and then I left that area. I was really upset...I have horrible anxiety as is. I hardly sleep the night before I go to the hospital and sometimes my stomach is upset as well. I think I might switch areas in the hospital because I do not like being in the ER and all I do is basically clean...so not what I thought it would be. I don't want to quit volunteering because it would just reinforce my anxiety plus my mom said she would kick me out.

I haven't seen my therapist for over a month because she was sick the day I was supposed to go in and then she went on vacation. I really need to talk to her and I want to set up an appointment to see a psychiatrist. My moods have been awful and I don't think my medication is working at all (actually I don't think it has ever worked). I'm still on 15mg of cipralex. On the plus side I don't have any side affects (except when I started it).

My mom has commented in the past that she thinks I could possibly have aspergers and my friend thinks I could be bipolar. I know I have something other than depression and anxiety...only a psychiatrist can tell me that. My friend said that I need to see a psychiatrist and get this straightened out and get the right treatment. She has just been diagnosed a while ago with bipolar type 2. I have similar symptoms as her (not exactly the same). One major difference is that I get very paranoid when "manic" (right now I'm assuming that I was manic since I have no diagnosis). I am definitely not schizophrenic...this I am very sure of.

Grr I just want to be normal and have a perfect life. I'm sick of being this way. My anxiety stands in front of everything I do. My family think I can just get over it; they just don't understand how awful it is.

Sorry for being so pessimistic but that's how I feel today.