Friday, 13 December 2013

More Waiting

I have been dealing with a lot lately. My mom is super moody and quick to anger lately. She threatens to kick me out all the time for the dumbest reasons. It's been better today though. I found out why it is taking so freaking long for me to see a doctor never signed the referral that my social worker sent and no one told my social worker that. She resent it to him and after he signs it, then it will be about a 2 month wait. I'm so sick of waiting...I have been waiting almost half a year. I have been SI a lot lately. I hate my antidepressant and I know there is something else besides depression and anxiety going on. I don't know what it is, but hopefully a psychiatrist can tell me.

Monday, 28 October 2013

Waiting is Making Me Go Mad

So I`m still waiting to see a psychiatrist...lucky me. I guess I`m not crazy enough to need to been seen right away. I think I have been waiting over 4 months to be seen. I am trying so hard to wait because I really don`t want to see my gp. I need a med change or something. My meds I don`t think have ever worked. My moods are all over the place lately. I want to get down to the bottom of what I have. I`m also scared of what I could have.

My one best friend has been in the psychiatric hospital for over 3 or 4 weeks now. They are still assessing what she has and then they might send her to the psychosis unit or discharge her. She will then live with her mom while she is waiting for a spot in a group home to open up. I feel so bad that she is going through that. My illness is different than hers and less severe in certain aspects, but I can still understand and feel the emotions that she is going through.

I`ve been doing a course by correspondence and it`s been taking me forever to get through it and I probably won't get in done for a couple months (I have a really hard time learning from a book and teaching myself). My mom keeps holding it over my head. "Go do your biology!" "You're never going to finish it." "What's the point?"

I also am getting some in car lessons so that I can get my driver's license (panic attack lol). She will not let me practise with her at all. I tried 2 times driving with her and she yelled the whole time. My mom is so controlling and it has been horrendous trying to learn to drive. I will finally be getting some control back (not that she will let me drive her car and I cannot afford a vehicle, but still I will have my license).

I've been neglecting my blog, but not a whole lot has changed...I'm not receiving any more mental health care and I haven't got an official diagnosis nor have I had a med change. I don't have a job as I am not stable enough and my family thinks there is nothing wrong with me #stigma

Sunday, 29 September 2013


My life has been pretty boring lately, which is good I guess. I've been doing some upgrading courses so I can go back to college. Also still waiting to see a psychiatrist...what a lovely health care system we have. Not much else is worth talking about.

Saturday, 27 July 2013

Life Changes

I'm doing much better, I still have my downs, but this I have found is normal for everyone. I have really had to change my mindset. I never really understood how everyone feels and what they go through. I was very sheltered my whole life and my family never talked about feelings so I have been having to learn in my adult life that most things I think and go through are what everyone goes through at some point in their life. It's sad that I have to learn this lesson at my age, but I am glad that I am learning it, even though it is so hard.

I cleaned most of my room and closet today (which has been neglected for a year...well the organizing wasn't dirty). I also have signed up for a driver's education course next month because I need to learn. It has been 2 years since I got my beginners (G1) and no one will teach me. I have to fork out a lot of money for it, but at least I will be able to get my G2. For the in car part they will come pick me up for my lessons, which is great because I will not have to rely on a family member to drive me to the lessons. I did take driver's education last year, but I could no longer get a ride to my lessons and then my lessons expired so I was fucked. Oh well I am doing it now and I am going to get my license! I might go do my actual G2 test in the fall.

Another life change was that I will be able to be a firefighter after all. I talked with a former recruiter and current firefighter and he said I cannot be discriminated based on having depression. A doctor will have to do a medical check anyways when I apply to a department and if I am stable then I would pass. (Side note: I found out I am NOT bipolar, not that it is bad, but I am thankful) I am so happy that I can have the job that I have always wanted. I was having trouble because I thought I would automatically be disqualified and that is the only thing that I had passion to be.

I'm working on getting back into shape and losing weight. I gained 40 pounds because I was depressed (so embarrassed and disgusted but I'm telling you everything). I'm working on correspondence courses so I can apply for the pre-health program next September. Then after that take the pre-service firefighter program and then possibly take the paramedic program. I figure if I do it that way I can work as a paramedic and gain those skills before I apply for a fire department because typically they will not hire you for at least 4 years. I would also be making some pretty good money (paying off student debt), and also gaining experience in the emergency field. Firefighters can also do a lot of medical calls too, so it would be very beneficial. If I have to be a paramedic for 10 years, I think I could handle that too, but ultimately my goal is to be a firefighter.

I need to get a part time job, but I tried that last November and I quit after 2 days (it was retail). I need to work on holding a job. I need to gain some skills by talking to my therapist. I need to be able to stick with something even if I absolutely hate it and want to quit. I just wasn't prepared to work with customers...angry customers who yelled at me even though it was not my fault at all. I am just a very sensitive person.

Anyways, I will leave it here.

Wednesday, 10 July 2013

So I Did it

I finally asked to be referred to see a psychiatrist. I thought I would feel relieved, but I just feel extremely anxious. It's going to take a while for me to be seen, but I'm okay with that because I'm not in a really bad place.

I find I have a really hard time expressing how I feel and talk too much about things I'm not really worried about and then at the last minute say the things that I want to talk about. Maybe I do that because I know that I can leave minutes after I say it...I don't know. So I told my therapist that I don't think my medication is working and she asked me why I thought so and what symptoms have I noticed. She told me that the psychiatrist would probably not up my dose and focus more on the therapy aspect and tell me what to work on in my therapy sessions. I didn't explain the hypomania/mania type symptoms that I have had before. I feel like I can't tell them to anyone.

I am so embarrassed and I really don't know how/don't want to explain myself. I need the psychiatrist to outright ask me specific questions and try to diagnose me. On some level I still deny that there is anything wrong with me. I don't think my therapist sees that there is anything wrong with me because I don't show her that side of me, I show her my happy go lucky side that has a little anxiety. I can hold it together for 1 hour every 2/3 weeks. Meanwhile I have a lot of anxiety and probably some type of mood disorder. I really like my therapist; I just don't like talking about myself and my feelings.

I hope I can be honest when I see the psychiatrist, I'm really worried that they will see nothing wrong and just say that I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe I don't have a mood disorder, maybe there is nothing wrong, maybe I'm in denial, maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong; I just don't know. I need an objective opinion and I need an evaluation. I'm scared that I'm fucked up and I'm also scared because maybe I'm just imaging that there is something wrong when there actually is nothing wrong. I' just a bindle of nerves right now and I don't know what to do with myself. I see my therapist in 3 weeks.

P.S. The last post I wrote I was just really pissed off and needed to vent about my mom. I DO love her, but sometimes I just can't stand her. I think everyone at least sometimes feel that way.

Saturday, 6 July 2013

I Don't Love Her; I Never Have

Is it sad that I don't love my mother? It may sound cold and uncaring, but I had a horrible upbringing filled with abuse and I will leave it at that. I still currently live with her because I am not working. I hate how controlling she is, she will not let me practise driving her car or help teach me, she wouldn't even continue driving me to my driving lessons in another then I basically threw 600$ down the drain for lessons for what? I can't fucking drive...I only have my learners. She controls who I see and where I go, what I do, etc. Sometimes I even contemplate suicide to just be away from her forever. (I know right now that committing suicide is not the right answer to my problems, but in the moment I am so overwhelmed and feel like there is no other way out.) 

Right now I'm working on a high school biology course, then I need chemistry and then math so that I can go back to college. I'm going to work my ass off so that I will be done sooner...although it's tough since I am depressed again. Once finishing the courses and staring school, I can then be away from her. Once I'm done school I can hopefully find a job right away and then move far away from her. If I wasn't mentally ill I probably would have already started a good career and have been moved out...fuck mental illness.

I see my therapist this coming Wednesday. I better not chicken out telling her I want to see a psychiatrist, if not for a proper diagnosis of bipolar or something similar (I do not just have depression...see other posts), then for different medication, as my anti-depressant does not work and I have mood swings that are not controlled.

On a positive note, I have not cut myself in about 3 months I think...maybe more, although I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Anyways, I'm going to end it here, this is all I wanted to get off my chest right now.

Thursday, 27 June 2013

So Close

I was so fucking close to telling my therapist that I want to see a was almost at the end of the session and she was writing down the time for my next appointment, my face started to get red and hot as I was about to ask her, then I stopped because she was talking about the career I want to go into and then I regained my composure and the session was done. I feel like such a fucking loser that I can't get out the stupid 6 words "I need to see a psychiatrist". I don't know why I feel so embarrassed and ashamed to need to see one.

I think I put on a front when I go to see her, I know she will not judge me and she is very supportive, but I just can't fucking do it. It seems that, that is all I write about. Right now my moods are not extreme, which is very good, but now since I am thinking lucidly it would be a good time to get help.

I've been talking to one of my best friend's and she also has a mental illness, she is a very good friend. I have told her almost everything that I have been through (mental illness wise). It was hard for me because I have never told anyone those intense things that I have been going through. She thinks I have more than just depression and anxiety and that it is important that I see a psychiatrist. She suggested that I write down what is concerning me and give it to my therapist. I did write down everything and I brought it with me to the appointment, but I just couldn't do it...I fail at everything I do.

I think the reason why it is so hard for me to get help is because I want to deny that there is anything wrong and if I don't admit it, then there is nothing wrong and I am just imagining it. When I feel kind of normal then it is so hard to understand how awful it was to be depressed or otherwise because I so easily forget. I need to say those 6 words or just hand over the piece of paper to my therapist. I'm worried that if and when I see a psychiatrist that they will diagnose me with something that is totally not what I have or put me on tons of meds with lots of side affects. I'm worried what my mom will say as she thinks there is nothing wrong with me (news flash I hide a lot of what is going on with me and I was away at college for 2 years and I had a lot of my "crazy symptoms" while I was there. I am also worried that the psychiatrist will think I am faking it or say that I have absolutely nothing wrong with me.

I'm not denying that I do have depression and anxiety, but I think they are symptoms of another disorder. Meh, I'm not a doctor, but I know this cannot be "normal". Why does mental illness have to be this way? Why do I have to feel so ashamed to even get proper help? Why do I keep all the crap that is going on to myself? I would rather have an illness you can see than an invisible illness. When someone is ill with cancer, people bring casseroles,  get well cards, get involved with their treatment, take them to appointments, visit them regularly, show them that they will be there throughout the whole process...and what do people with mental illness get? "It's all in your head, just get over it, what is WRONG with you? You are fucking crazy! You just want attention! You are being so lazy. Buck up!" Rant over.

This is enough writing for now...hope I didn't bore anyone...not that there is many people that read my blog...oh well I feel better for getting all this out. My next therapy appointment is July 10th so hopefully I will say that I said those 6 words that never want to come out....if I do then there will some good posts to follow and if I don't then I probably won't feel like posting that I failed at it again.

Tuesday, 14 May 2013

I Haven't Posted In a While...

I haven't posted in a while...not much has been happening in my life. I have been volunteering at the hospital in the ER once a week for 4 hours and I am really starting to not like it. Today a nurse was a total bitch to me. She scolded me for something I didn't even do; I was so shocked that I didn't say anything and then I left that area. I was really upset...I have horrible anxiety as is. I hardly sleep the night before I go to the hospital and sometimes my stomach is upset as well. I think I might switch areas in the hospital because I do not like being in the ER and all I do is basically not what I thought it would be. I don't want to quit volunteering because it would just reinforce my anxiety plus my mom said she would kick me out.

I haven't seen my therapist for over a month because she was sick the day I was supposed to go in and then she went on vacation. I really need to talk to her and I want to set up an appointment to see a psychiatrist. My moods have been awful and I don't think my medication is working at all (actually I don't think it has ever worked). I'm still on 15mg of cipralex. On the plus side I don't have any side affects (except when I started it).

My mom has commented in the past that she thinks I could possibly have aspergers and my friend thinks I could be bipolar. I know I have something other than depression and anxiety...only a psychiatrist can tell me that. My friend said that I need to see a psychiatrist and get this straightened out and get the right treatment. She has just been diagnosed a while ago with bipolar type 2. I have similar symptoms as her (not exactly the same). One major difference is that I get very paranoid when "manic" (right now I'm assuming that I was manic since I have no diagnosis). I am definitely not schizophrenic...this I am very sure of.

Grr I just want to be normal and have a perfect life. I'm sick of being this way. My anxiety stands in front of everything I do. My family think I can just get over it; they just don't understand how awful it is.

Sorry for being so pessimistic but that's how I feel today.

Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Groundhog Day

I feel like I am in the movie Groundhog Day. Everyday I pretty much do the same thing...which is nothing. I need to move on with my life. I've gained 15 pounds from freaking depression and I feel so disgusting. I started my self study course and I haven't really been doing any of the work. I'm not able to keep to a routine and my nights and days are mixed up. I'm really hating myself right now.

Tomorrow I go for counselling, this is my 3rd time going. She is really nice, but I don't like talking about myself so I usually talk about random things and I feel like I am not getting anywhere. I wonder what she will want me to talk about.

I start volunteering at the hospital on the 3rd of April at 8am. I usually fall asleep at 5am and get up at 11am so I am hopefully not going to be a zombie on my first day or extremely grumpy. I will have to get up at 6:30am in order to be there on time :(

Anyways I am off to make supper.

Monday, 21 January 2013

First Therapy Sesh

So I went to the appointment and I was so freaking nervous. I started shaking and bouncing my leg up and down while I was waiting. I met my social worker (she will be counciling me and helping me get support, see a psychiatrist if I want it). She is really nice and it was easy to talk to her. We are going to work on my anxiety. We talked about what I want to do with my life and we talked about goals that I would like to achieve. I will have small, medium, and large goals. My small goal is to be able to talk on the phone without being so anxious and not making my mom call places for me. I am supposed to think about a medium goal for my next apointment. I will be going every other week.

Now to talk about the psychiatrist...well I looked him up online and lets just say the reviews were not good. I also found out that my mom used to work with him and no one was fond of him and that he wanted to just push meds on people so he could get more money. I haven't seen him and my mom doesn't want to me to see him. I think there is another psychiatrist and I think he would be okay. The guy I don't want to see is the head and is in charge so I don't know what to do. (I have no insurance and I am getting all this free through a local hospital). I can't go see a private psychiatrist because I can't afford it.

On a side note I am learning to crochet...not too good I might add.

Sunday, 20 January 2013

Volunteering and Anxiety

I will be seeing a social worker on this coming monday. It is with a female this time. The apointment will be for 50 minutes. My first time there I was seen by a social worker who was male and I only saw him for about 15 minutes. I couldn't sit still while he was asking me questions and was having a really hard time concentrating. I hope this time is easier for me. I'm not one who likes to be asked questions about myself and have a hard time expanding my answers.

I'm not quite sure what is going to happen during this apointment. Are social workers allowed to diagnose? I hope this expirence is easy to handle. I'm scared and nervous because I do not know what to expect.

I am in the process of starting to volunteer at a local hospital. I have an apointment to meet with the coordinator on this coming wednesday. I was kind of forced into doing volunteering by my mother. She says I need to do something like that or go back to school. I am so not ready to be interating with people or going to school. My doctor even said I should not go back to school for at least 6 months to a year. I also have severe social anxiety, so this is terrifying. I am bringing my mom to the apointment to the hospital because I wouldn't go otherwise.

To some people I may sound like a baby because I need my "mommy" to go with me. My anxiety is so bad that I cannot go out in public by myself.

I have a volunteer orientation on feburary 11th. I am going to be riddled with anxiety that day as well.

I  just feel like a big failure lately. I just want to curl up in a ball and die. I also feel like I have no future. I don't want to do this anymore,

Friday, 11 January 2013

Don't Have to go Back to the Doctor Until Next Spring!?

I saw my doctor today and basically was given a prescription for cipralex for a year and I don't have to see him until next spring and then we will talk about going off of cipralex. I also told him that my anxiety is really bad. He doesn't want to give me anything like a benzo because they are so addictive and short term. I still feel like shit. I have an appointment to see a social worker for next week. We'll see how that goes. Hopefully I can also see a psychiatrist and work on if it really is just depression. My family doctor believes it is severe depression.

Well there is not much to do at this point. I will be running out of the samples of cipralex and will have to fill a prescription. I have no insurance so I will get to see how much money I will have to fork out.

Monday, 7 January 2013


I've been on cipralex for a little over 9 weeks now. I feel like it is not helping at all. I finally got a call about recieving therapy and I will also be able to see a psychiatrist. I hope I will get to the bottom of what I have. Do I have a different disorder or is it just depression and anxiety? I've been told by a friend that it could take years before I actually find out what I have and that scares me. I'm just so tired of being mentally ill. It drains everything out of my body, I can't think or do anything.

I didn't cut for a month, but started again a few days ago. I just am having a hard time coping. My mom says the medicine is working, but I don't think it is. I see my gp on this friday, I should get my blood test results and discuss my medication.