Friday, 30 November 2012

Day 1 of 15 mg

I saw my doctor and he upped my dose to 15 mg. I have to meet with him in another month. He said that the next step would be 20 mg and if I still am not better then he will add another antidepressant. He ordered a blood test to rule out any other causes that are making me feel like this. I told him I didn't feel any worse, but that was a lie...I started cutting myself, not deep or in plain view. Nobody knows and I want to keep it that way.

My jaw hurts and I'm really tired...I think it's because I upped my dose. I hate life right now and see no future for myself. I see no career, husband, kids, happiness, own house, or vacations in my future because I am a loser and I have no desire to do anything. I'm laying in bed and I don't even want to get out of bed to go to the bathroom, but I will force myself to get up and go.

Life is definitely a bitch.

Thursday, 29 November 2012

Doctor's Tomorrow

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow. It's so he can see how the medication is working for me. Well it's not working for me...I don't feel any better. I don't know how antidepressants are supposed to make you feel, but I hope this stuff starts to work because if I have to up the dose or switch meds then I get to experience more side effects...yay. I am feeling really anxious and nervous about tomorrow. I don't know what to expect, I don't like having to wait, and I don't like going to a doctor's office. I'll write an update tomorrow.

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Day 23

23 days on cipralex....and I don't feel any different at all. I feel really horrible the past couple days and having problems with SI. I don't really have much to write. My mom says that she can see that
my medicine is starting to work...I am just hiding it better.  

My anxiety is horrible and I'm still very depressed.
This is so freaking stupid!                                       

Saturday, 17 November 2012

No Change With Meds So Far

So I've been on cipralex for 16 days and I don't really notice much difference. I am still deep in depression and have anxiety. The side effects are pretty much gone though. I meet with my doctor in 13 days and we'll see what happens. I'm thinking if I don't notice a change by my appointment, then he will up my dose to 20mg.

Monday, 12 November 2012


Nobody understands what I go through on a daily basis. My family thinks that I can just flip a switch and not have depression or anxiety anymore. They think if I just go out and do things that I will feel less depressed. Don't you think if that were true then everyone would be cured of mental illness?

Just because you can't see my "illness" doesn't mean it doesn't exist or that it isn't real.

Right now my mom thinks I am just really lazy and a loser (her words). I'm freaking depressed! It takes all the strength I have to get up and brush my teeth. I just can't do all the things I used to do. I have no motivation what so ever.

I am on medication, but it should start working in the 2 weeks or so. Just because I am taking medication doesn't mean I feel any's not some magic pill.

Rant over.

Sunday, 11 November 2012

Anxiety, Depression, and Everything Else

So this post may be disorganised, but I am going to try to keep it understandable. I'm going to break it up into 3 categories. 1 is my anxiety because I usually feel it year round, 2 is depression and 3 is everything else

1. Anxiety
-mostly feel it around people or new situations
-negative thoughts
-start to sweat
-sometimes I stutter
-"                " get heart palpitations
-"                " have panic attacks (I feel dizzy, knees get weak if I'm standing, feel like I'm going to be sick, my hands get tingly and numb, and I feel like I can't move)
-I think people are judging, watching, or talking about me when I am around people (even though I know this is not true)

2. Depression
- I am usually depressed starting in the fall
   -feel worthless
   -sleep A LOT
   -no motivation
   -cry A LOT
   -think about suicide, but do not act on it
   -eat more
3. Everything Else
-I usually feel "normal" for maybe a month or two
-For about a week or two I get extremely irritable and agitated for no reason and pretty much hardly sleep
-I love when I have lots of motivation and I am able to clean the whole house and get all the tasks I need to get done (I only get this once a year, but when I feel like this, it's awesome.) It usually only lasts a week. The thing I don't like about it is that I can't turn my mind off and sometimes I get really obsessed about random projects and that I have to complete them when I think of it and I can't stop until it is finished

It's good for me to be able to express how I feel and what I go through because eventually I will have to talk to someone about it and at least this way I could print this off and show it to them. I want to eventually have a label for whatever my mental illness(es) is/are. I want to know how to treat it and be able to say ohhh that's why I act the way I do and that what I feel and do are not always my fault.

On a side note it's pretty cold here, so my dog sleeps under the blankets now :) she thinks she is human.

Saturday, 10 November 2012


I have been on my medication for 8 days now and I wish it would start working! Right now I just am taking the samples that my doctor gave me (No insurance does that to you). My doctor said it would take between 2-4 weeks before it will start to work. I am having a hard time coping with what life throws my way.

The job I got...I had to quit because of my anxiety and I just couldn't cope. They didn't train me at all and expected me to run my department by myself. I also was supposed to be part time, but I was working more than 40 hours a week. And furthermore, I had a hard time with customers yelling at me when I did nothing wrong and just being plain rude to me. I made sure that I gave them the best service I could and keep my composure. When I got home I just cried and cried. I had such bad anxiety that I didn't sleep for days because I obsessed about going to work.

I had my phone off for about a week and I turned it on yesterday and my one friend left a lot of text messages and even called and left a message because she didn't hear from me and was really worried. I told her I just couldn't find my charger for my phone. I haven't told my friends that I quit my job yet. I am just so ashamed and I don't want to have to explain my mental health. They are still in college so they are a couple hours away so I haven't seen them since I graduated in June.

I am focused on trying to be as stable as I can. I won't be able to start therapy for months because they are so backed up. The therapy will be free, but I need it now for me to start to heal. I also want to start seeing a psychiatrist, but I would have to pay for that and I don't have money to do so.

My mom is being as supportive as she can. She just doesn't understand the way I feel or that I feel it all the time. She also doesn't understand that my medication is not working yet and I still am very depressed and have severe anxiety. I'll make another post about how I feel and what I go through on a daily basis, basically what my symptoms are and maybe an experience or two.

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

So I Saw the Social Worker...

He just made me talk about what's going on in my life and we just focused on my anxiety. He referred me to therapy and I won't be able to get an appointment for months (it's free I think). I think I might ask my doctor if I can have a referral to a psychiatrist (not free) because no one is determining what I have. I think I have more than just depression and anxiety, in fact I know I do. I'm not able to voice that across though because I am too scared to and I am ashamed of myself.

I see my doctor at the end of this month and I hope I have enough courage to speak up and ask for a referral.

I hate having no insurance and I hate mental illness.

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

1st Day of Outpatient Therapy Tomorrow

I'm really nervous about going to see the social worker tomorrow. I just don't know what to expect or what is going to happen. I don't know what I am going to talk about and all of this is freaking me out. I don't know how long I have to be there for. I'm so scared.

I'm not a big talker at all. I want to find out what exactly is wrong with me so I have to stick with this program even though I don't want to go tomorrow. I hope that I will eventually see a psychiatrist and have a correct diagnosis. I cannot live anymore being untreated or I will end up in a bad place.

Saturday, 3 November 2012


I had a crisis in which I had to see my doctor and finally admit that there was something wrong with me. He was really nice about it. He did not diagnose me with anything, but did give me medication called cipralex (lexapro). It is used for depression, anxiety, and ocd. I will be meeting with an out patient social worker on Wednesday.

I feel really weird about being on medication and that I'm going to be talking to someone about myself. I hate the stigma that comes with having a mental illness.

I've been on 5mg of the cipralex for 2 days and tomorrow I go to 10 mg. It's been making me feel really weird and sick. Hopefully after a while I will feel better.

I don't know what else to say except I'm trying to get better and it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Start Work Tomorrow

I am so freaking scared! This is my first legitimate job in this country and it is for a big well known company. I don't know what to do tomorrow. I don't have a sticker on my card to clock in yet...I don't know what to do. I don't know where I'm supposed to go or who is going to be my supervisor. The woman who did my orientation told me that she wasn't going to be there that day so I should just go to the department where I am going to work.

I am a person who likes to know exactly what I am going to do and with whom. I know exactly nothing except the days and times I work. I am working really weird hours since we are changing locations. I work 2 days at the old store and then I switch to the new store and I am apparently helping with setting up at the new store for 2 weeks.

My hours are 1pm to 9pm, 8am to 5pm, and 2pm to 11pm. Another thing, I am supposed to be working part time hours, but since we are in the middle of moving and there is a lot of work to be done I have to work over 40 hour weeks. Hopefully when the grand opening of the new store I will then after a while go to part time hours (12-28 hours), but then again Christmas is coming up so I may need to continue until the new year. I have worked over 40 hours before and I survived. It was way more physical than the job I will work now so hopefully I will be less tired than I was before.

I wanted to work part time because I need to take my courses to go back to college and I will be starting to volunteer at the hospital. I want to volunteer there so I can see which field of health care I like and what I would be getting myself into.

Some of the careers I'm interested in so far are: nurse, practical nurse, pharmacy tech., radiology tech., paramedic or firefighter. I picked these because I am very good in emergency situations. I never freak out and I know exactly what to do without having to think.

I just hope I figure out exactly what career choice is best for me.

Anyways I am hoping my job goes well tomorrow and that I don't get one of the old bitchy ladies to train me. (I was told by family members that there were a couple working in my department that were rude and bitchy, as well as ancient.) Wish me luck!

P.S. Happy Halloween!

Monday, 29 October 2012

Officially Got the Job

Everything checked out and I will be starting orientation tomorrow. I am starting to get nervous as it gets closer to me starting. Ah well I'm dealing with it. Growing up sucks, but I need to finish paying off my student loan and save up to go back to school in about 2 years. I need to succeed in life no matter how hard and scary it is; if I don't reach my goal, then I would hate myself and have 'what ifs' playing in my head for the rest of my life. I'm not going to say exactly what I want to go back to school for yet because I don't want to jinx it.

So I got the job today! Which is October 23rd! I'm not going to publish this until my references are called and then if they like my references, then it will be official. YAY.

Friday, 19 October 2012

Interview Is Done :)

My Interview is complete! I answered the questions pretty well I thought. We had to role play and I was pretty nervous and had a little stutter over a couple words. I hope I get the job, but if I don't then I'm okay with that. While I was waiting I was okay then my hands started to tingle and go numb (that's usually my sign of a panic attack). I was thinking oh hell no this is not going to get any worse, I am a strong, smart awesome person and I CAN DO THIS...then I popped a mint into my mouth and chewed it to distract myself. I usually start to get dizzy and pass out. This has only happened to me once when I was nervous and about 3 times when I had just come over the flu or once when I flew off my bike and my stomach hit the handle bars.

I am not going to let this control my life. I am taking steps towards getting over this stupid thing I have. I want to be "normal". I need to conquer talking to strangers, talking on the phone, and most of all being confident in my abilities and myself. Having a retail position will certainly make me talk to people I don't know or feel comfortable with. I am stronger than this and I usually forget that. Each time I have a positive experience I become stronger. The negative experiences usually put me 2 steps behind and I obsess over them,

Thursday, 18 October 2012

Yikes Interview Tomorrow

My interview is tomorrow and I am starting to freak out! It's a stupid group interview...never had one before. I'm thinking sleep is not coming tonight, since I won't be able to turn my mind off. Lately I haven't been sleeping too well. I've also been very angry and irritable for no reason. Will be glad when tomorrow is done. I don't know what my future holds, but I hope I get an epiphany soon about what the heck I want to do with my life.

I feel like a pathetic loser. I live at home with my mother, currently have no job, no social life, with no idea what I want to go back to school for. I wish that I had all the answers to all my problems, but nothing is ever easy for me and I have to get used to it.

Saturday, 13 October 2012

The First Post is Always the Hardest

Yo, what's up everybody? This blog is going to be about me and my life starting in the "real world".

So now to introduce myself, my name is Zebra (and no, it is not my real name), I'm in my early 20s and I have graduated college. I live with my mother since the economy is crap and I am currently unemployed (although I do have a second interview for a company next week). This blog is also going to be about my mental health. Currently I hate going to see doctors and I'm afraid of what labels they will give me.

About three years ago I went into a walk in clinic at a hospital and came out with the diagnosis of panic disorder...I have not been to a doctor since. I didn't want to believe that I had a mental illness; I was so in denial...quite frankly I still am. I am now coming to the realization that I truly have more diagnoses to come.

The doctor gave me two pills of ativan and said to go see my family doctor and he would give me more. I never saw my family doctor. I didn't want to be medicated, I was FINE. Truth be told I was not fine and I have become worse since avoiding treating my mental health.

Signing off for now,