Saturday, 27 July 2013

Life Changes

I'm doing much better, I still have my downs, but this I have found is normal for everyone. I have really had to change my mindset. I never really understood how everyone feels and what they go through. I was very sheltered my whole life and my family never talked about feelings so I have been having to learn in my adult life that most things I think and go through are what everyone goes through at some point in their life. It's sad that I have to learn this lesson at my age, but I am glad that I am learning it, even though it is so hard.

I cleaned most of my room and closet today (which has been neglected for a year...well the organizing wasn't dirty). I also have signed up for a driver's education course next month because I need to learn. It has been 2 years since I got my beginners (G1) and no one will teach me. I have to fork out a lot of money for it, but at least I will be able to get my G2. For the in car part they will come pick me up for my lessons, which is great because I will not have to rely on a family member to drive me to the lessons. I did take driver's education last year, but I could no longer get a ride to my lessons and then my lessons expired so I was fucked. Oh well I am doing it now and I am going to get my license! I might go do my actual G2 test in the fall.

Another life change was that I will be able to be a firefighter after all. I talked with a former recruiter and current firefighter and he said I cannot be discriminated based on having depression. A doctor will have to do a medical check anyways when I apply to a department and if I am stable then I would pass. (Side note: I found out I am NOT bipolar, not that it is bad, but I am thankful) I am so happy that I can have the job that I have always wanted. I was having trouble because I thought I would automatically be disqualified and that is the only thing that I had passion to be.

I'm working on getting back into shape and losing weight. I gained 40 pounds because I was depressed (so embarrassed and disgusted but I'm telling you everything). I'm working on correspondence courses so I can apply for the pre-health program next September. Then after that take the pre-service firefighter program and then possibly take the paramedic program. I figure if I do it that way I can work as a paramedic and gain those skills before I apply for a fire department because typically they will not hire you for at least 4 years. I would also be making some pretty good money (paying off student debt), and also gaining experience in the emergency field. Firefighters can also do a lot of medical calls too, so it would be very beneficial. If I have to be a paramedic for 10 years, I think I could handle that too, but ultimately my goal is to be a firefighter.

I need to get a part time job, but I tried that last November and I quit after 2 days (it was retail). I need to work on holding a job. I need to gain some skills by talking to my therapist. I need to be able to stick with something even if I absolutely hate it and want to quit. I just wasn't prepared to work with customers...angry customers who yelled at me even though it was not my fault at all. I am just a very sensitive person.

Anyways, I will leave it here.

Wednesday, 10 July 2013

So I Did it

I finally asked to be referred to see a psychiatrist. I thought I would feel relieved, but I just feel extremely anxious. It's going to take a while for me to be seen, but I'm okay with that because I'm not in a really bad place.

I find I have a really hard time expressing how I feel and talk too much about things I'm not really worried about and then at the last minute say the things that I want to talk about. Maybe I do that because I know that I can leave minutes after I say it...I don't know. So I told my therapist that I don't think my medication is working and she asked me why I thought so and what symptoms have I noticed. She told me that the psychiatrist would probably not up my dose and focus more on the therapy aspect and tell me what to work on in my therapy sessions. I didn't explain the hypomania/mania type symptoms that I have had before. I feel like I can't tell them to anyone.

I am so embarrassed and I really don't know how/don't want to explain myself. I need the psychiatrist to outright ask me specific questions and try to diagnose me. On some level I still deny that there is anything wrong with me. I don't think my therapist sees that there is anything wrong with me because I don't show her that side of me, I show her my happy go lucky side that has a little anxiety. I can hold it together for 1 hour every 2/3 weeks. Meanwhile I have a lot of anxiety and probably some type of mood disorder. I really like my therapist; I just don't like talking about myself and my feelings.

I hope I can be honest when I see the psychiatrist, I'm really worried that they will see nothing wrong and just say that I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe I don't have a mood disorder, maybe there is nothing wrong, maybe I'm in denial, maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong; I just don't know. I need an objective opinion and I need an evaluation. I'm scared that I'm fucked up and I'm also scared because maybe I'm just imaging that there is something wrong when there actually is nothing wrong. I' just a bindle of nerves right now and I don't know what to do with myself. I see my therapist in 3 weeks.

P.S. The last post I wrote I was just really pissed off and needed to vent about my mom. I DO love her, but sometimes I just can't stand her. I think everyone at least sometimes feel that way.

Saturday, 6 July 2013

I Don't Love Her; I Never Have

Is it sad that I don't love my mother? It may sound cold and uncaring, but I had a horrible upbringing filled with abuse and I will leave it at that. I still currently live with her because I am not working. I hate how controlling she is, she will not let me practise driving her car or help teach me, she wouldn't even continue driving me to my driving lessons in another then I basically threw 600$ down the drain for lessons for what? I can't fucking drive...I only have my learners. She controls who I see and where I go, what I do, etc. Sometimes I even contemplate suicide to just be away from her forever. (I know right now that committing suicide is not the right answer to my problems, but in the moment I am so overwhelmed and feel like there is no other way out.) 

Right now I'm working on a high school biology course, then I need chemistry and then math so that I can go back to college. I'm going to work my ass off so that I will be done sooner...although it's tough since I am depressed again. Once finishing the courses and staring school, I can then be away from her. Once I'm done school I can hopefully find a job right away and then move far away from her. If I wasn't mentally ill I probably would have already started a good career and have been moved out...fuck mental illness.

I see my therapist this coming Wednesday. I better not chicken out telling her I want to see a psychiatrist, if not for a proper diagnosis of bipolar or something similar (I do not just have depression...see other posts), then for different medication, as my anti-depressant does not work and I have mood swings that are not controlled.

On a positive note, I have not cut myself in about 3 months I think...maybe more, although I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Anyways, I'm going to end it here, this is all I wanted to get off my chest right now.