Friday, 30 November 2012

Day 1 of 15 mg

I saw my doctor and he upped my dose to 15 mg. I have to meet with him in another month. He said that the next step would be 20 mg and if I still am not better then he will add another antidepressant. He ordered a blood test to rule out any other causes that are making me feel like this. I told him I didn't feel any worse, but that was a lie...I started cutting myself, not deep or in plain view. Nobody knows and I want to keep it that way.

My jaw hurts and I'm really tired...I think it's because I upped my dose. I hate life right now and see no future for myself. I see no career, husband, kids, happiness, own house, or vacations in my future because I am a loser and I have no desire to do anything. I'm laying in bed and I don't even want to get out of bed to go to the bathroom, but I will force myself to get up and go.

Life is definitely a bitch.

Thursday, 29 November 2012

Doctor's Tomorrow

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow. It's so he can see how the medication is working for me. Well it's not working for me...I don't feel any better. I don't know how antidepressants are supposed to make you feel, but I hope this stuff starts to work because if I have to up the dose or switch meds then I get to experience more side effects...yay. I am feeling really anxious and nervous about tomorrow. I don't know what to expect, I don't like having to wait, and I don't like going to a doctor's office. I'll write an update tomorrow.

Saturday, 24 November 2012

Day 23

23 days on cipralex....and I don't feel any different at all. I feel really horrible the past couple days and having problems with SI. I don't really have much to write. My mom says that she can see that
my medicine is starting to work...I am just hiding it better.  

My anxiety is horrible and I'm still very depressed.
This is so freaking stupid!                                       

Saturday, 17 November 2012

No Change With Meds So Far

So I've been on cipralex for 16 days and I don't really notice much difference. I am still deep in depression and have anxiety. The side effects are pretty much gone though. I meet with my doctor in 13 days and we'll see what happens. I'm thinking if I don't notice a change by my appointment, then he will up my dose to 20mg.

Monday, 12 November 2012


Nobody understands what I go through on a daily basis. My family thinks that I can just flip a switch and not have depression or anxiety anymore. They think if I just go out and do things that I will feel less depressed. Don't you think if that were true then everyone would be cured of mental illness?

Just because you can't see my "illness" doesn't mean it doesn't exist or that it isn't real.

Right now my mom thinks I am just really lazy and a loser (her words). I'm freaking depressed! It takes all the strength I have to get up and brush my teeth. I just can't do all the things I used to do. I have no motivation what so ever.

I am on medication, but it should start working in the 2 weeks or so. Just because I am taking medication doesn't mean I feel any's not some magic pill.

Rant over.

Sunday, 11 November 2012

Anxiety, Depression, and Everything Else

So this post may be disorganised, but I am going to try to keep it understandable. I'm going to break it up into 3 categories. 1 is my anxiety because I usually feel it year round, 2 is depression and 3 is everything else

1. Anxiety
-mostly feel it around people or new situations
-negative thoughts
-start to sweat
-sometimes I stutter
-"                " get heart palpitations
-"                " have panic attacks (I feel dizzy, knees get weak if I'm standing, feel like I'm going to be sick, my hands get tingly and numb, and I feel like I can't move)
-I think people are judging, watching, or talking about me when I am around people (even though I know this is not true)

2. Depression
- I am usually depressed starting in the fall
   -feel worthless
   -sleep A LOT
   -no motivation
   -cry A LOT
   -think about suicide, but do not act on it
   -eat more
3. Everything Else
-I usually feel "normal" for maybe a month or two
-For about a week or two I get extremely irritable and agitated for no reason and pretty much hardly sleep
-I love when I have lots of motivation and I am able to clean the whole house and get all the tasks I need to get done (I only get this once a year, but when I feel like this, it's awesome.) It usually only lasts a week. The thing I don't like about it is that I can't turn my mind off and sometimes I get really obsessed about random projects and that I have to complete them when I think of it and I can't stop until it is finished

It's good for me to be able to express how I feel and what I go through because eventually I will have to talk to someone about it and at least this way I could print this off and show it to them. I want to eventually have a label for whatever my mental illness(es) is/are. I want to know how to treat it and be able to say ohhh that's why I act the way I do and that what I feel and do are not always my fault.

On a side note it's pretty cold here, so my dog sleeps under the blankets now :) she thinks she is human.

Saturday, 10 November 2012


I have been on my medication for 8 days now and I wish it would start working! Right now I just am taking the samples that my doctor gave me (No insurance does that to you). My doctor said it would take between 2-4 weeks before it will start to work. I am having a hard time coping with what life throws my way.

The job I got...I had to quit because of my anxiety and I just couldn't cope. They didn't train me at all and expected me to run my department by myself. I also was supposed to be part time, but I was working more than 40 hours a week. And furthermore, I had a hard time with customers yelling at me when I did nothing wrong and just being plain rude to me. I made sure that I gave them the best service I could and keep my composure. When I got home I just cried and cried. I had such bad anxiety that I didn't sleep for days because I obsessed about going to work.

I had my phone off for about a week and I turned it on yesterday and my one friend left a lot of text messages and even called and left a message because she didn't hear from me and was really worried. I told her I just couldn't find my charger for my phone. I haven't told my friends that I quit my job yet. I am just so ashamed and I don't want to have to explain my mental health. They are still in college so they are a couple hours away so I haven't seen them since I graduated in June.

I am focused on trying to be as stable as I can. I won't be able to start therapy for months because they are so backed up. The therapy will be free, but I need it now for me to start to heal. I also want to start seeing a psychiatrist, but I would have to pay for that and I don't have money to do so.

My mom is being as supportive as she can. She just doesn't understand the way I feel or that I feel it all the time. She also doesn't understand that my medication is not working yet and I still am very depressed and have severe anxiety. I'll make another post about how I feel and what I go through on a daily basis, basically what my symptoms are and maybe an experience or two.

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

So I Saw the Social Worker...

He just made me talk about what's going on in my life and we just focused on my anxiety. He referred me to therapy and I won't be able to get an appointment for months (it's free I think). I think I might ask my doctor if I can have a referral to a psychiatrist (not free) because no one is determining what I have. I think I have more than just depression and anxiety, in fact I know I do. I'm not able to voice that across though because I am too scared to and I am ashamed of myself.

I see my doctor at the end of this month and I hope I have enough courage to speak up and ask for a referral.

I hate having no insurance and I hate mental illness.

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

1st Day of Outpatient Therapy Tomorrow

I'm really nervous about going to see the social worker tomorrow. I just don't know what to expect or what is going to happen. I don't know what I am going to talk about and all of this is freaking me out. I don't know how long I have to be there for. I'm so scared.

I'm not a big talker at all. I want to find out what exactly is wrong with me so I have to stick with this program even though I don't want to go tomorrow. I hope that I will eventually see a psychiatrist and have a correct diagnosis. I cannot live anymore being untreated or I will end up in a bad place.

Saturday, 3 November 2012


I had a crisis in which I had to see my doctor and finally admit that there was something wrong with me. He was really nice about it. He did not diagnose me with anything, but did give me medication called cipralex (lexapro). It is used for depression, anxiety, and ocd. I will be meeting with an out patient social worker on Wednesday.

I feel really weird about being on medication and that I'm going to be talking to someone about myself. I hate the stigma that comes with having a mental illness.

I've been on 5mg of the cipralex for 2 days and tomorrow I go to 10 mg. It's been making me feel really weird and sick. Hopefully after a while I will feel better.

I don't know what else to say except I'm trying to get better and it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.