Thursday, 27 June 2013

So Close

I was so fucking close to telling my therapist that I want to see a was almost at the end of the session and she was writing down the time for my next appointment, my face started to get red and hot as I was about to ask her, then I stopped because she was talking about the career I want to go into and then I regained my composure and the session was done. I feel like such a fucking loser that I can't get out the stupid 6 words "I need to see a psychiatrist". I don't know why I feel so embarrassed and ashamed to need to see one.

I think I put on a front when I go to see her, I know she will not judge me and she is very supportive, but I just can't fucking do it. It seems that, that is all I write about. Right now my moods are not extreme, which is very good, but now since I am thinking lucidly it would be a good time to get help.

I've been talking to one of my best friend's and she also has a mental illness, she is a very good friend. I have told her almost everything that I have been through (mental illness wise). It was hard for me because I have never told anyone those intense things that I have been going through. She thinks I have more than just depression and anxiety and that it is important that I see a psychiatrist. She suggested that I write down what is concerning me and give it to my therapist. I did write down everything and I brought it with me to the appointment, but I just couldn't do it...I fail at everything I do.

I think the reason why it is so hard for me to get help is because I want to deny that there is anything wrong and if I don't admit it, then there is nothing wrong and I am just imagining it. When I feel kind of normal then it is so hard to understand how awful it was to be depressed or otherwise because I so easily forget. I need to say those 6 words or just hand over the piece of paper to my therapist. I'm worried that if and when I see a psychiatrist that they will diagnose me with something that is totally not what I have or put me on tons of meds with lots of side affects. I'm worried what my mom will say as she thinks there is nothing wrong with me (news flash I hide a lot of what is going on with me and I was away at college for 2 years and I had a lot of my "crazy symptoms" while I was there. I am also worried that the psychiatrist will think I am faking it or say that I have absolutely nothing wrong with me.

I'm not denying that I do have depression and anxiety, but I think they are symptoms of another disorder. Meh, I'm not a doctor, but I know this cannot be "normal". Why does mental illness have to be this way? Why do I have to feel so ashamed to even get proper help? Why do I keep all the crap that is going on to myself? I would rather have an illness you can see than an invisible illness. When someone is ill with cancer, people bring casseroles,  get well cards, get involved with their treatment, take them to appointments, visit them regularly, show them that they will be there throughout the whole process...and what do people with mental illness get? "It's all in your head, just get over it, what is WRONG with you? You are fucking crazy! You just want attention! You are being so lazy. Buck up!" Rant over.

This is enough writing for now...hope I didn't bore anyone...not that there is many people that read my blog...oh well I feel better for getting all this out. My next therapy appointment is July 10th so hopefully I will say that I said those 6 words that never want to come out....if I do then there will some good posts to follow and if I don't then I probably won't feel like posting that I failed at it again.

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