Saturday, 6 July 2013

I Don't Love Her; I Never Have

Is it sad that I don't love my mother? It may sound cold and uncaring, but I had a horrible upbringing filled with abuse and I will leave it at that. I still currently live with her because I am not working. I hate how controlling she is, she will not let me practise driving her car or help teach me, she wouldn't even continue driving me to my driving lessons in another then I basically threw 600$ down the drain for lessons for what? I can't fucking drive...I only have my learners. She controls who I see and where I go, what I do, etc. Sometimes I even contemplate suicide to just be away from her forever. (I know right now that committing suicide is not the right answer to my problems, but in the moment I am so overwhelmed and feel like there is no other way out.) 

Right now I'm working on a high school biology course, then I need chemistry and then math so that I can go back to college. I'm going to work my ass off so that I will be done sooner...although it's tough since I am depressed again. Once finishing the courses and staring school, I can then be away from her. Once I'm done school I can hopefully find a job right away and then move far away from her. If I wasn't mentally ill I probably would have already started a good career and have been moved out...fuck mental illness.

I see my therapist this coming Wednesday. I better not chicken out telling her I want to see a psychiatrist, if not for a proper diagnosis of bipolar or something similar (I do not just have depression...see other posts), then for different medication, as my anti-depressant does not work and I have mood swings that are not controlled.

On a positive note, I have not cut myself in about 3 months I think...maybe more, although I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Anyways, I'm going to end it here, this is all I wanted to get off my chest right now.

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