Wednesday, 10 July 2013

So I Did it

I finally asked to be referred to see a psychiatrist. I thought I would feel relieved, but I just feel extremely anxious. It's going to take a while for me to be seen, but I'm okay with that because I'm not in a really bad place.

I find I have a really hard time expressing how I feel and talk too much about things I'm not really worried about and then at the last minute say the things that I want to talk about. Maybe I do that because I know that I can leave minutes after I say it...I don't know. So I told my therapist that I don't think my medication is working and she asked me why I thought so and what symptoms have I noticed. She told me that the psychiatrist would probably not up my dose and focus more on the therapy aspect and tell me what to work on in my therapy sessions. I didn't explain the hypomania/mania type symptoms that I have had before. I feel like I can't tell them to anyone.

I am so embarrassed and I really don't know how/don't want to explain myself. I need the psychiatrist to outright ask me specific questions and try to diagnose me. On some level I still deny that there is anything wrong with me. I don't think my therapist sees that there is anything wrong with me because I don't show her that side of me, I show her my happy go lucky side that has a little anxiety. I can hold it together for 1 hour every 2/3 weeks. Meanwhile I have a lot of anxiety and probably some type of mood disorder. I really like my therapist; I just don't like talking about myself and my feelings.

I hope I can be honest when I see the psychiatrist, I'm really worried that they will see nothing wrong and just say that I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe I don't have a mood disorder, maybe there is nothing wrong, maybe I'm in denial, maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong; I just don't know. I need an objective opinion and I need an evaluation. I'm scared that I'm fucked up and I'm also scared because maybe I'm just imaging that there is something wrong when there actually is nothing wrong. I' just a bindle of nerves right now and I don't know what to do with myself. I see my therapist in 3 weeks.

P.S. The last post I wrote I was just really pissed off and needed to vent about my mom. I DO love her, but sometimes I just can't stand her. I think everyone at least sometimes feel that way.

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